Comical Stuff

The species known as “software developers”.

Human beings are quite a fascinating excuse for a living organism when examined closely without a sensible concern for their fragile existence. They spend about half of their lifetime dreaming of being something else while in most cases being motionless and in horizontal position, a quarter of their lifetime – in pointless consumption of nutrients, and the remaining quarter – in an unpleasant attempts to get other “nutrients” out while being in rather awkward stance of their physical apparatus. What’s even more fascinating is that a certain percentage of them also consider that the mere fact of being able to achieve some extremely primitive cognitive processing and distinguish themselves from apparent to them lifeless objects somehow makes them in some way special or unique and warrants a top place at the planet’s food chain.

What’s even more provoking – is a rather immature concept that from the portion that consider themselves intelligent, capable of speech, and, arguably, reasoning – some of them assume that they have more privileges than others! They think they can group together into entities separated by their primitive understanding of the term “occupation”, put restrictions on every concept established by their species, and even bring into existence mechanical and quite archaic electrical devices in order to assist them in their pointless quest for biological extermination.

After certain intervals of their clueless attempt of being that the above species designate as “time”, a fraction of the already fractioned taxonomic group “invented” assembly tools capable of alleviating them from their already alleviated cognitive process and gave them a reason to believe that with these tools they are capable of justifying their oxygen-wasting existence. They named one such tool a “computer” (meaning “one who computes”) and soon realized that this instrument that removes them from any cognitive processes is quintessentially more vital to them than their biological need to procreate. The manufacturing of the above-mentioned device necessitated an even deeper division of their groupings and, quite unfortunately for the rest of the human beings, promoted an occupation commonly referred to among them as “software developer”.

Simply put – due to the decay of adequate brain and physical functions among this biological form, caused by the wide-spread adoption of the computer device, certain life forms incapable of social contact became essential pieces to their universal ecosystem. Now the entity called “software developer”, which we will refer to as “dev”, became quite interesting from two perspectives.

First perspective is the “evolution” of this living organism to sustain its vital living characteristics on absolute minimum nutrients and negative amount of social interaction. What is even more absurd is that the “devs” seem to strive in environments that are absolutely impenetrable by light and will develop a spontaneous inflammable reaction when exposed to direct sunlight. The intriguing paradox is that they are, however, able to withstand enormous doses of radiation exposure constantly present at their line of sight. Given the inadequacy consistently demonstrated by these species, it is not hard to notice that there is a genetic mutation, which seems to have activated a cognitive reflex insinuating that the sun is actually trying to put an end to their almost procreative relationship with their “computer” devices. When examined even further, it becomes obvious that although their capacity to reason and initiate any thought process seems to function arguably better in comparison to the other social occupational groups, “software developers”, while in their solitary confinement, proved incapable of performing any processes required to simultaneously move any body parts (other than their tentacle-like endings at the end of their forelimbs). The only exception reported so far is that in some circumstances they were able to simultaneously move one of their upper limbs while holding and apparently dragging with their five short tentacles an object referred by them as “mouse”.

Second perspective, which poses somewhat of a paradox with the “devs”, is that when removed from their solitary-confined “social” existence and forced to physically interact with other representatives of the same kind, a phenomenon known as “geeking out” occurs. During this apocalyptic for every other social life form process, the exposed to each other specimens initiate a form of interaction incomprehensible to any other life form around them. Other, close to the perimeter of this interaction, bio forms seem to instinctively change their relative positioning in the effort  to avoid overloading their even further limited cognitive capacities. Another interesting observation is that during this synergy, the “dev’s” motion apparatus seems to operate rather uncontrollably and without any predictable pattern. Symptom, which so far is attributed to their motionless existence, is now believed to be triggered by their negative nutrition intake.

Going further into the observation sequence – an extremely fascinating discovery has been made suggesting that “software developers” are almost totally incapable of differentiating themselves from the surroundings around them, assuming, quite convincingly, that they have evolved to some form of a supreme being! This form of egocentrism has been found to be present in an extremely potent biological virus, which seems to strive in bio forms, such as the one mentioned above, and spreads in a contagious fashion within the same group of species in an exponential manner! So far the level of egocentrism has been growing in quantum leaps and has been showing no signs of slowing down!

A “medium”, however, has been identified that stimulates the growth of this virus and creates conditions for favorable for its development. Referred to as “money” throughout almost all humanoid species, this astoundingly primal virus and bacteria exchange medium has shown to have the power to completely overturn even the most primal characteristics of the human bio forms. In the reproduction-capable representatives referred to as “women” the virus seems to genetically modify their cognitive apparatus by hijacking their reasoning capabilities and drastically increase their object gathering instincts.

However, in the case of the “software developers”, the actual process seems to work in a rather peculiar phase-based fashion:

Phase 1 suggests that the virus spreads extremely slowly due to the limited contact between the ”devs” and the “medium”. This also explains their adequate distinction and realization of their miserable existence and that of their surroundings. This phase also is characterized by the term “n00b”, which implies enormous presence of bewilderment.

Phase 2 seems to significantly speed up the spreading of the virus mainly contributed by the increased contact with the “medium”. During this phase the virus spreads more than any other phase aiding the merging of the comprehension of their existence and that of the universe around them.  “Devs’” resistance to the sun light increases, their impression of their reproductive vehicle falsely grows in a positive direction, and their line of sight now allows them to see their lower limbs. There is also apparent increase in the social abilities due to the innate urge of the creature to “geek out”. This phase also initializes a distress sequence, which spreads panic and anxiety in rapid manner when the subject is in close proximity to the capable of reproduction and incapable of rational cognitive processes humanoid species codenamed as “chicks”. In the extremely rare occasions when there is an actual physical contact between a “dev” and a “chick”, the ”dev” with a large quantities of the “medium”  seems to have a behavioral change effect on the “chick”, who tends to become uncontrollably attached to the “dev” subject as a medium extractor. This implies that the results achieved in phase 2 can be reverted back to phase 1 due to the severe decrease of the “money medium” attributed to the unique capabilities of the “chick” extractor.

Phase 3 interestingly enough seems to be defined by the internal stimulation of the virus by its host, rather than the constant increase of the above-mentioned “medium”. The virus now ignores the “medium” since its control is established and its further spreading is now governed by the absolute conviction by the host that its existence is the only reason for the universe to be comprehensible. During this phase the “medium” has no effect on the host and is usually in extreme quantities around the host, which also implies quite large number of “chick” extractors being present. This attributes to the lower distress sequence due to the more common social interaction with them. Phase 3 is extremely dangerous and can have a severe consequences on the whole humanoid survival due to the unmatched egocentrism of the “software developers”.

Members of the other humanoid fractions being much less active and capable with their cognitive instruments seem to be easily influenced and in many occasions controlled by the “devs”. Due to the fast adoption of the “computer” device among almost the entire population of species, their influence grows exponentially and if they are allowed to reach phase 3 of their mutation sequence, the consequences to the humanoid ecosystem could be catastrophic.

It is absolutely critical that all members of the “devs” fraction be held at all cost at phase 2 and be forced into social interaction preferably surrounded by the “chick” extractors to negate the effects of the virus. This would stabilize their condition and restart their main cognitive state pushing them back to phase 1 and allowing them to exist in their solitary confinements while diving into an infinite loop of their existence justification.

End of the intercepted communication…


Born in a small country in the Balkans called Bulgaria (commonly mistaken by the geographically inclined westerners as Siberia), @krion spend most of his childhood being deceived that his existence mattered and that he can change the world one school year at a time.

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